A long overdo goodbye August 27, 2010

Crazy#3 and I had a deep conversation today….

Crazy#3-Mommy, where did our kitty go? Did our kitty die?

Me- Yes babe, our kitty died.

Crazy#3-Where did our kitty go mom?

Me-Our kitty went to heaven babe.

Crazy#3-Is she on a jetski?

Me-I bet she is!

Crazy#3- Does she know how to push the buttons?

Me- Oh yeah! And with her wings, I bet she goes SUPER fast on her jetski!

Crazy#3-Why did our kitty die mom?

Me- Our kitty died because she was really old and tired.

Crazy#3-Where did our kitty go?

Me- She went and fell asleep under a tree and now she’s in heaven.

Crazy#3- Did she ride her bike or walk there?

Me- I think she probably rode her bike there!

Crazy#3-That’s cool mom!

Our kitty didn’t JUST die. She disappeared on Cinco de Mayo. She was 14 years old. I bought her when she was a kitten and Crazy#1 was just a few months old. She’s been with me when I was married to my first husband. When Crazy#1 was born. When Crazy#2 was born. When I divorced. When I moved. When I met my husband . When Crazy #3 was born. When I was pregnant with Ethan. When Ethan died. When I was pregnant with Crazy#4. 14 years. Hershey ( thats her name) and I had a real love/hate relationship. Don’t ask me why or how it came to be that way. It’s just the way it was. Hershey didn’t just disappear. I think she knew she was sick. I think she was tired. We drove around and put up signs. I called animal control several times a day. Called shelters several times a day. I like to think that she just went away and fell asleep.

This little conversation with Crazy#3 really hit me. If only we could all see death like a little child does. Not as a scary thing. Not as a final moment. Children see it as a happy and joyful experience. No fear. No sadness. Just the cat chillin’ with the big man jetskiing.

 I miss Hershey. She disappeared 15 days before Crazy#4 was born. It was sad to come home and not have her greeting us at the door . To not have her here to welcome the newest Crazy. When Ethan passed away she would curl up next me no matter where I was. She knew I was hurting. She knew I was lost. And despite our love/hate relationship….she was always  a good friend. A loyal friend. She’s been there through kids…marriage…divorce….new homes…new cities….lost children….

It’s a little over do but I just want to say …I miss you Hershey! Your presence is missed!

Crazy weekend with….the crazies August 23, 2010

The hubs took off to go play up in Coos Bay for the weekend. I thought…that’s cool. Easy, chill weekend. Crazy #3 was going to be having a sleepover with grandma and grandpa. Crazy#1 was having a friend over ( this sleep over is basically a ton of junk food and endless hours of W.O.W) . And Crazy #2 was also going to his friends house for a sleepover. Sounds like a breeze!!!

Yeah! 7:30pm I call to say goodnite to Crazy#3 and he is crying and insisting that I come and get him! SO. Mommy plus Crazy #4 , Crazy#1 and friend turns into Mommy,Crazy#3, Crazy#4, Crazy #1 and friend.

It actually ended up being a great night. Crazy#3 was SO excited to be home and loved and snuggled all over me! I texted the hubs about 10:00pm and told him that..” I had a VERY handsome, younger man in bed with me”. His response…” Nice babe!!!” Guess we’ve been married long enough that he knows I’m not exactly gonna catch anyone else’s eye with four crazies . Spit up infested shirts and hair. Left over baby pooch. OH! And the sexy..lack of sleep eyes that even makeup can’t help! Good to feel loved!

That was Friday.

Saturday….was honestly a blur! I remember exploding poopy diapers. Cleaning the house like a mad woman for dinner with the mother-in-law on Sunday. Grocery shopping like three times because I am retarded and forget what I went for in the first place ( but DID manage to grab enough wine to ensure sanity during Sunday’s dinner!)

Sunday….spent cleaning like a mad woman yet again. More grocery shopping because I STILL couldn’t manage to actually take the gorcery list that I wrote with me. ( what a concept,right?) Prepped the food for dinner. By prep…this means putting chicken thighs into a ziploc bag. Throwing some kind of bbq sauce and seasoning in there and shaking the bag. GO ME! Sleepover drama resulting in me returning Crazy#2′s friend to his house at about 10:00pm. Another exploding diaper around 11:00pm. A night filled with Crazy #3′s feet, arms, elbows in my face. ( Next morning he said HE slept GREAT!!)

Dinner went off without a hitch. I think so anyway. ( Had a FEW Malibu and Pineapple….goodtimes!)

I managed to keep up with four kids and a house by myself for three days! Even though I can do it on my own I quickly realized how much I missed the hubs! he  makes me laugh and keeps me sane. At least as sane as one can be with four kids. I was like a little kid waiting for him to walk through the door on Sunday. The sweetest sound in the world was the sound of the garage door signaling daddy’s return!! 

 

 

 

 

The Amazing August 5, 2010

May 20th our family was blessed with Crazy #4. July 14th was the two year mark since Ethan passed away. That the two dates coincided so close to each other has been both amazing and extremely painful.

Amazing…..

Burping Crazy#4. I love to put him over my shoulder only to have him settle into the little dip in my neck; where I can breath in his smells and hear his breathing. 4am feedings- After he has eaten and has been burped I love to lay him on my chest and hold him. He has this cute little snore. It’s heaven. There isn’t a thing about him that I don’t love with all my heart.

Painful…..

Crazy#4 sleeps in his bassinet under Ethan’s shelf. At night I stare at the shelf and I wonder. Why? I don’t get it. Why did God take him? I feel guilt. Guilt that I can hold Crazy#4. Kiss him. Snuggle with him. And Ethan? His ashes are in a small cherry wood box….on a shelf. It sounds cold. Harsh. Yet…the truth. And I feel such a huge amount of guilt. Why did I get another chance when so many other moms don’t? Why ? SO many whys.

 I feel like a first time mom with Crazy#4. Every cough. Every sneeze. Every noise at night has my heart skipping beats. At night I push his bassinet up against my side of the bed. I have to climb to the end of our bed to get out because his bassinet is so close to my side. But I don’t care. I don’t care because as long as his bassinet is that close to me I can sleep with my hand in his bassinet. I can reach over and grab him in an instant if anything happens. In my mind I think,” Your being ridiculous. He’s FINE.” But in my heart…I keep thinking that God is going to change his mind and take him from me. That is the painful……

So….I push past the pain. The tears. The guilt. The fear. By focusing on…

the AMAZING!