Crazy weekend with….the crazies August 23, 2010

The hubs took off to go play up in Coos Bay for the weekend. I thought…that’s cool. Easy, chill weekend. Crazy #3 was going to be having a sleepover with grandma and grandpa. Crazy#1 was having a friend over ( this sleep over is basically a ton of junk food and endless hours of W.O.W) . And Crazy #2 was also going to his friends house for a sleepover. Sounds like a breeze!!!

Yeah! 7:30pm I call to say goodnite to Crazy#3 and he is crying and insisting that I come and get him! SO. Mommy plus Crazy #4 , Crazy#1 and friend turns into Mommy,Crazy#3, Crazy#4, Crazy #1 and friend.

It actually ended up being a great night. Crazy#3 was SO excited to be home and loved and snuggled all over me! I texted the hubs about 10:00pm and told him that..” I had a VERY handsome, younger man in bed with me”. His response…” Nice babe!!!” Guess we’ve been married long enough that he knows I’m not exactly gonna catch anyone else’s eye with four crazies . Spit up infested shirts and hair. Left over baby pooch. OH! And the sexy..lack of sleep eyes that even makeup can’t help! Good to feel loved!

That was Friday.

Saturday….was honestly a blur! I remember exploding poopy diapers. Cleaning the house like a mad woman for dinner with the mother-in-law on Sunday. Grocery shopping like three times because I am retarded and forget what I went for in the first place ( but DID manage to grab enough wine to ensure sanity during Sunday’s dinner!)

Sunday….spent cleaning like a mad woman yet again. More grocery shopping because I STILL couldn’t manage to actually take the gorcery list that I wrote with me. ( what a concept,right?) Prepped the food for dinner. By prep…this means putting chicken thighs into a ziploc bag. Throwing some kind of bbq sauce and seasoning in there and shaking the bag. GO ME! Sleepover drama resulting in me returning Crazy#2′s friend to his house at about 10:00pm. Another exploding diaper around 11:00pm. A night filled with Crazy #3′s feet, arms, elbows in my face. ( Next morning he said HE slept GREAT!!)

Dinner went off without a hitch. I think so anyway. ( Had a FEW Malibu and Pineapple….goodtimes!)

I managed to keep up with four kids and a house by myself for three days! Even though I can do it on my own I quickly realized how much I missed the hubs! he  makes me laugh and keeps me sane. At least as sane as one can be with four kids. I was like a little kid waiting for him to walk through the door on Sunday. The sweetest sound in the world was the sound of the garage door signaling daddy’s return!! 

 

 

 

 

The Amazing August 5, 2010

May 20th our family was blessed with Crazy #4. July 14th was the two year mark since Ethan passed away. That the two dates coincided so close to each other has been both amazing and extremely painful.

Amazing…..

Burping Crazy#4. I love to put him over my shoulder only to have him settle into the little dip in my neck; where I can breath in his smells and hear his breathing. 4am feedings- After he has eaten and has been burped I love to lay him on my chest and hold him. He has this cute little snore. It’s heaven. There isn’t a thing about him that I don’t love with all my heart.

Painful…..

Crazy#4 sleeps in his bassinet under Ethan’s shelf. At night I stare at the shelf and I wonder. Why? I don’t get it. Why did God take him? I feel guilt. Guilt that I can hold Crazy#4. Kiss him. Snuggle with him. And Ethan? His ashes are in a small cherry wood box….on a shelf. It sounds cold. Harsh. Yet…the truth. And I feel such a huge amount of guilt. Why did I get another chance when so many other moms don’t? Why ? SO many whys.

 I feel like a first time mom with Crazy#4. Every cough. Every sneeze. Every noise at night has my heart skipping beats. At night I push his bassinet up against my side of the bed. I have to climb to the end of our bed to get out because his bassinet is so close to my side. But I don’t care. I don’t care because as long as his bassinet is that close to me I can sleep with my hand in his bassinet. I can reach over and grab him in an instant if anything happens. In my mind I think,” Your being ridiculous. He’s FINE.” But in my heart…I keep thinking that God is going to change his mind and take him from me. That is the painful……

So….I push past the pain. The tears. The guilt. The fear. By focusing on…

the AMAZING!

Eyes closed June 7, 2010

 True story.

I think…NO ….I am SURE that I changed at least three diapers with my eyes closed lastnight. Do any of you wear contacts? If you do then you know that feeling when you first wake up and your eyes are so dry that if you were to open your eyes all the way your contacts would pop right out. So rather than spend hours hunting around on the carpet for my contact I decided that working with my eyes closed would make more sense.

That is until I woke up this morning and discovered how VERY wrong things can go when done with your eyes  closed.  The dirty diapers never actually made it IN the garbage can but more behind and in front of the garbage can.  And what was up with the baby wipes on the floor? Did I even actually wipe Crazy #5′s butt or just thought I did?? Upon further investigation the baby wipes on the floor were clean and so was Crazy #5′s butt. So I guess however I did it, it worked.

And last but certainly not least….my boobs? Yeah. Not even put back into their rightful place. Nope. Left hanging out of the tank top after the zillionth feeding of a sleepless night.Woke up to a wet side of the bed and that sticky feeling that only comes with breast milk. Good times.

 On the upside, I did get a “How YOU doing?” from the husband who ( for some reason) thought the boobs hanging out of the top was the sexiest thing ever! REALLY??? SO…all in all? I guess I totally have this new baby thing down!!!

Grateful June 2, 2010

Crazy #5 was due to come by C-section on June 5th. However, he had ideas of his own . I went into labor on May 20th. And at 10:06pm Crazy #5 came into our world; weighing a whopping 5lbs 13 ozs.

I was terrifed this time around. Not of the needles. Not of the doctors or the nurses in their plastic-guard masks. Not even of the painful recovery that I knew was ahead of me. I was terrifed, still, to allow myself to believe I would get to bring this little guy home. Ever since Ethan passed away….well. I lost a part of my heart. My soul. I’ve never been the same since he died. And no matter how many times people around me talked about ” when he comes home” and ” just wait until you hold him”.I just couldn’t and wouldn’t allow myself to believe it.

He DID come home though. I am so in love with him. I look at him and I feel so amazingly blessed. Life is so fragile. And until Ethan died…I took alot of things for granted. Took my husband for granted. Took my sons for granted. Took everything I had for granted. Now? I am just grateful. Grateful to have this little guy home. I have felt Ethan so much this past week and a half. Felt him as I hold his little brother. As I rock and whisper to him. I know he is here. And I am grateful to feel him here with me. Grateful. SO very grateful! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy#3 and Crazy #5

 

Crazy #2 and Crazy #5

 

Heading home from the hospital!!

 

In bed cuddling

 

Auntie had a little fun with all his hair!

34 weeks April 29, 2010

34 weeks!

I can’t believe we’ve made it this far. Been contracting alot the past few days so I am laying really low. Need to keep this little guy where he is for at least another week. Two would be even better. I ventured out to my friends house on Tuesday and…gulp…was brave and asked her to take some maternity photos. This is my 5th pregnancy and I have never had maternity photos done. ( Kind of hard to have pictures taken when you hate being in front of the camera, right?) Overall, it went really good. She took the fear out of it PLUS she has photoshop!!!!  Does it get any better than that? I think not!!!  The few I am adding are not photshopped, however, because my friend went into labor only hours after taking my picture. ( I know, I’m trying really hard not to take it personal too..)  So….no photoshop means BE NICE!!! Or I’ll post tummy pictures everyday and really traumatize you all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

March for Babies 2010 April 28, 2010

 

 

 

Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 CLEARLY not very excited about the early morning!

 

 

Weather was a bit breezy and chilly but Crazy #2 and Crazy#3 decided that if they sat under the table not only would they be able to stay warm but they could also keep close tabs on the doughnuts above them!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My bestfriends wee one was even getting in the spirit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Let the march begin!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy#3 got smart and decided that he was still participating in the march even if daddy was carrying him.

 

 

 

 

The end of our walk. All of us together. It was a beautiful day….a wonderful day. The only thing that would have made the day perfect would be if our little Crazy#4 had been walking there beside us all.

I would! But… April 20, 2010

I’m 32 weeks along now. And everything has been going smoothly ( if you consider becoming the size of a small village smooth). About a week ago I began having contractions and some mild abdominal cramping. Add to that lower back pain and feeling like a pack of wolves are having a fight on either side of my pelvic bones? Awesome! Sounds like a PAR-TAY, doesn’t it? I called my doctor because, of course, I have been stressing . And I feel dumb for stressing since this IS my 5th pregnancy.

YES! You read that right…5th. No. I am not trying to catch up with Kate  or Mrs. Duggar. It’s just the way things have gone.

My doctor called me after I emailed him. He told me to rest as “often as possible”. I started to laugh and then he laughed and said,” Good luck with three kids, right?” Basically he wants me to rest when I can and to let things go that don’t really need to be done. SO! Here’s my thought pattern….

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!!

I WOULD clean that shower …BUT….can’t right now.

I WOULD scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees ( because GOD knows it really needs it)….BUT….can’t right now.

I WOULD chase Crazy #3 who has decided that running down the hall with red gatorade is awesome….BUT….can’t right now.

SO…while I am someone who cannot sit still for more than a fleas jump….I am going to do exactly what my doctor says. Because the thought of this little guy coming too early ? Well, it’s more than I can handle.

And really? With four boys to chase after,when is the next time I will get an excuse to NOT clean and run around?

Scared April 6, 2010

I haven’t been too good about writing. Not because I don’t have anything to say but mainly because when I sit down to write…..I just can’t seem to get the words to come out.

I’m a few days away from being 31 weeks along in my pregnancy. I thought I would be past the fear part of things. Instead I feel more on edge. More irritable. Scared. Somedays downright terrifed. Why? Not sure. The baby’s ultrasound came back perfect. Genetic testing came back perfect. He’s gaining weight as he should be as am I. ( If you could see my pantry full of girl scout cookies, your jaw would drop) I’m so afraid to really talk about when our son comes home. I mean…I’ve washed his clothes and put them away. I’ve washed the crib sheets. We’ve picked out a perfect name for him. But I haven’t really been able to visualize him here…at home. Sleeping in my arms. Haven’t been able to picture myself changing his diapers or staring happily into his sweet baby eyes. Haven’t been able to picture counting all his little toes and fingers.  And all I can think is…how screwed is that? How completely freaking horrible am I that I still won’t allow myself to believe he is coming home. I read blog after blog of mom’s who hope. Mom’s who believe. Mom’s who find their peace with God. Mom’s who expect the best. And here I sit at eight months…fully expecting the worst. What kind of mom does that? Where has my hope gone? Where has my optimism gone?

 

It REALY is the simple things February 15, 2010

Valentine’s Day. Yeah. I’m not really a HUGE Valentine’s Day fan. I’m not a conspiracy theory kind of person either but I DO think the whole day is a huge gimic. It’s a day that makes  men all over the world shudder with fear and wake up  with a huge case of “race-gut” when they realize that they did, in fact, forget to buy a gift! I am the kind of woman who would not find the romance in my husband dropping $50 on a dozen roses that may or may not last more than two hours in our home. Once Crazy #3 located this beautiful , yet overpriced arrangement, I have no doubt that I would find a romantic trail leading from the vase to his beloved lunchbox filled with broken ” motor-gikos”. ( That would be “motorcycles” in english). I am the kind of woman who would think that same $50 could have bought a years supply of toilet paper at Costco or something REALLY cool like that. HOWEVER…..this year I found myself enjoying the simple things….

Like the chance to use the one tablecloth I own as well as our cloth napkins. ( Yes. I KNOW Martha Stewart would not find my table setting to her standards but c’mon. A for effort, right?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A plate of bloody carnage that I didn’t have to cook! I mean, REALLY! What’s not romantic about that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And while I am not a huge Valentine’s Day fan. I AM  a huge sucker for a romantic card from my husband. Seriously! A beautiful card that he writes in can carry me for a year! And this year? He really outdid himself.

 

 

But the picture that melted my heart and made this Valentine’s Day just perfect was this one. Crazy#1. Crazy#2. Crazy#3. Happy. Together. Smiling. And about to inhale WAY more ice cream than any kid should!

 

 

 

Happy Valentine’s Day !!!

 

 

Grateful for the next 78 days. February 5, 2010

Wall of Hope 2009

 

Last year my husband and I walked in the March of Babies walk in Sacramento. We walked for a friend of a friends team, who had lost their baby. We had just lost our own son and were searching for a way to heal. Searching for a place where we would not feel so alone in our journey. To try to put into words how emotional this walk was for us? There’s no way to find the words.

This year we have formed our own team in our sons’ name. Team Ethan Daniel. Yesterday I registered our team. And sent emails out to everyone on my email list. On the very first day we received our first donation towards our team’s goal and my best friend  became our first ” officially registered” walker on Team Ethan Daniel.  

 It’s been one year and seven months since Ethan passed away. I think the hardest part for me , now, is that the time keeps going by. The world keeps moving forward. No one speaks his name anymore. No one wonders or asks if we still miss him. It is still awkward and uncomfortable running into my once-upon-a-time friends who still cannot look me in the eye. Who still do not see me as the person I was before Ethan died.  I find myself so emotional these days. Maybe it’s because I am pregnant again. Maybe it’s because I am exactly 22 weeks along….the same amount of weeks I was when Ethan died. When his little heart stopped beating. When I stopped feeling him kick and move inside of me. When my world changed. When I changed. For whatever reason I am struggling. Fighting back tears all day and crying silently at night..when the kids are asleep and the husband is snoring  beside me. 

The March of Babies walk is coming. April 24th. And I am grateful for it. I am grateful for a reason and an excuse to say my sons’s name and not get the sad, oh-you-poor-thing looks by everyone. For the next 78 days I am allowed to miss him. I am allowed to remember his all too short life. I am allowed to be his mom.

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