Do you ever have THOSE days where you just don’t want to smile?
Do you ever have THOSE days where you force the smile because you know it’s what everyone else needs you to do?
Do you ever just want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream? Scream so loud that God HAS to hear your pain? Has to deal with your anger! Has to hear that you fucking hate his plan?
Do you ever just want to tell everyone around you ,”NO !!!!!I AM NOT OKAY!!! Stop asking me like you are a waiter at a restaurant and I am a customer who just told you that my eggs were cooked wrong!” You can sit and stare at me all you want people but I promise it is not going to speed up my grieving process!!
My husband met this “Great Guy” a couple of weeks ago. And when he is telling me how “Great ” this guy he met is,he instantly starts to tell me how they also lost a child. I am immediately angry with him. Angry that he feels the need to bond with this family. Angry that this guy is “Great” and I should instantly bond with his wife because she also lost a child. As if me simply haivng lost a son makes me a wonderful person? They don’t know anytihng about me. It’s like me losing a son has become a business card of sorts. “Great Guy” tells his wife about how I am “Great”. “Great Guy” calls my husband and tells my husband how he told HIS wife how “Great ” I am. And then my husband tells me how “great guy” called to tell HIM how HE told HIS wife how “great” I am! What is it with people? Why is it that anyone who has lost a child …suddenly everyone wants them to be friends with so and so who “also lost a child”? It’s like the shitty blind date game your parents play after you’ve been divorced and they think you have to have a man to help you raise your kids. You poor thing…you need a man! You can’t go home alone at night. You need a man! (Because the last one did so freaking much for you , right?)
And so my husband tries to play match maker with “great guy” and his wife who lost a child. As if somehow the one year mark is going to hurt less because he has set me up on this fucking……”playdate”, right?
I’m angry right now. I am hurting and I just wish , for once, that I could be allowed to hurt and be angry without everyone trying to FIX me! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Let me hurt! Let me miss my son. Stop trying to fix me!
I’m not okay. I am trying SO hard to be okay. I really am! I am going through all the motions. I am filing out health insurance questionairres. I am talking about babies and “when I get pregnant” stories.It makes the in-laws smile. It makes the husband happy. But damn it! I am so fucking angry! I shouldn’t have to be filling out applications. I shouldn’t have to be “trying” to get pregnant. I should have my completed family.
I am tired of the “you have three healthy kids to be grateful for”……I KNOW! And because I have them I know what I lost !!!! Newsflash people…it doesn’t hurt LESS simply because I have three more. This isn’t a game of buy two get one free. It doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to hurt because I have children! SO.STOP.TRYING.TO.MAKE.THE.SON.I.LOST.SEEM.REPLACEABLE.!!!!!
Do you ever ….just want to scream?