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I can’t remember July 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15pm07

It’s here. Tomorrow. The one year anniversary of my sons death.

I can close my eyes and remember all the awful moments.

I can remember when he stopped kicking and moving.

I can remember driving to my doctors office that morning, praying that I was wrong. Praying that he simply had begun to run out of room to move. Yeah! That’s why he isn’t moving as much! He’s crowded in there. That makes PERFECT sense.

If I close my eye’s I can see my son’s lifeless body on the ultrasound screen. He looked perfect. Beautifully peaceful. He looked like he was just sleeping. There were no signs during my pregnancy that he was sick. He kicked and moved like he was supposed to, when he was supposed to. My pregnancy was routine. Was perfectly normal. There were no signs.

Can still hear the doctors insenstive words to me as she exited the room after telling me my son was dead,” You can always have more.”

Can remember walking out of the room. Trying so hard not to fall apart as I began the “dead man walking” trip down the hall to the front office door. Trying to remain calm, resisting the urge to race out of the office. Past all the beautifully happy pregnant women waiting in the lobby to hear their babies heartbeats. Rubbing their bellies with smiles on their faces.  All of them full of hope. Full of  possibility. Past the nurses who could only look at me with pity and regard me with an aerie silence. Past the doctor who never even lifted his head up from his paperwork.

Can remember driving home sobbing. It was my husband’s birthday. What was I going to say to him? How was I going to drive to his work and tell him that our son was dead? That I had failed to keep our son safe. Alive. 

Can remember walking in the front door and falling apart. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He’s supposed to be coming home with us.  He’s supposed to spit up on my shirt and pee on me when I change his diaper. He’s supposed to walk and then , eventually, run around and chase after his older brothers. He’s supposed to have birthdays and soccer games. He’s supposed to call me mommy and giggle when I tickle him.

I can remember all of these moments.

The pain.

The sense of failure.

The sense of helplessness.

The anger.

What I CAN’T remember is the person I was before my son passed away.


4 Responses to “I can’t remember”

  1. Chris Says:

    I hope that you find yourself again. You deserve happiness. You are a different person. Because your angel baby changed you. That’s how significant he is in your life. And you created him…out of love…and nurtured him for however many months. You did just what you are supposed to do. Why things like that happen I don’t know, but don’t try to find reasons….it’s painful and pointless. Because there is no explanation why any higher power would plan your life this way. It’s about how you deal, how you travel your journey and how important and loved your three boys on earth are and that they see how happy and loved they make you feel. it’s okay to be sad, but they need to know that you are happy with them in your life. you have a beautiful family!

  2. won Says:

    I am sorry, and I understand. I do not know the woman I was four years and seven months ago either. I totally understand.

    Today, I acknowledge your son, your pain, the woman you used to be and the woman you may become again…some day, some way.

    Breathe in the light. I am glad I found your blog today, of all days.

  3. Nanette Says:

    I saw your comment on Heather’s site. I had to comment to say I’m sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my thoughts.

  4. Lisa Wood Says:

    I was at Heathers blog, and had to let you know that i too am sorry for your sons lose. My thoughts are with you and your family. I know that blogging helps me to keep sane raising my boys…hope it helps for you to write down your thoughts and feelings.
    Love sent your way…thoughts and prayers

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