I have been absent from this place of…venting. Crying. Yelling. Sorting through the crap. I guess I needed to take a break. I needed to find my happy place again.
So? I have been to Idaho twice in the past month…doing the ten hour drive by myself and with nothing but kids in the car ( Yeah…see? I totally heard that laugh!) I have started running again as I had completely stopped doing anything healthy for….too long. I have FINALLY begun to get the playroom going. I have gotten as far as getting it painted. ( Hey? It’s a start , right?) The decorative stuff takes me awhile as I SO did not get that gene!
And? I have painted MANY…MANY rocks. Yeah. I know what your thinking.” Painting rocks? Who the hell paints rocks?” My dear friend turned me onto this when I was sinking further and further into my abyss of yuck. She came over with paint, brushes and of course, rocks! And we painted. We didn’t really talk while we painted but instead we sat out in the backyard and enjoyed the breeze and the quiet. ( Here is where I must tell you that I have never been one who is comfortable with complete silence. Nor can I sit still very long. I have to be going and have to have music on in the house at ALL times)
After my friend left that day I KNEW I needed to keep painting these rocks. Some have nice ,happy sayings on them. Mostly I just stencil because, quite frankly, I CANNOT and I repeat CANNOT draw to save my life! I have found this to be so peaceful and so calming.
But I think the best part of my new rock collection? Are the rocks that I stole from Idaho! ( OH YEAH Idaho! You heard me! You want your rocks? Come and get em’! ) My mom has had a rough past year. So when i went to Idaho I got her hooked on rock painting. I brought several awesome rocks from home to take there. ( And I am sure , as she saw me unloading rocks from my truck, she was thinking…OH great! Just what I need. More rocks in my yard!”) But after just one morning we ran out of rocks! NOT cool! My mom decided we would go to a nursery or a rock quarry and BUY some more rocks. As we are driving to this rock place, all I can think is? Really? We’re going to PAY for rocks? I mean? REALLY? She’s serious? Anyway….. we’re driving. I am frantically searching the side of the road for rocks…searching for dirt mounds covered in a sea of perfect painting rocks. But everytime I find one…mom says to me ,” That could be someone’s private property!” Keep driving. AND THEN! The mecca of rocks! They are clearly not in anyone’s yard. Not on private property ( at least there were no signs that I saw) . No gates around them. So I pull over and as I get out of the car I say to my mom “If you see a cop…honk twice! ” Trully said this to my mom as a joke. Just to give her a hard time. But as I got out of the car and began to grab rocks and put them in my trunk I peeked over at my mom and had to start cracking up. She , I think, was actually freaked out that she was having to be the COP lookout for her more than retarded daughter. I imagine her having thoughts of having to call my dad at home because we were locked up for our Rock Theft. I stood there. In like 102 degree, dry Idaho weather. Covered in dirt from the rocks I had carried to the car. And I started laughing so hard I swear I thought I was going to pee myself.
The point to this long posting about ..ROCKS?
I had the BEST time in Idaho with my mom this past month. And I laughed again. I feel like ever since Ethan has died I have lost my ability to truly and completely laugh. And I feel happy that I have finally come to this place. It’s not a place where I have no hurt. Not a place where I don’t miss him everyday. But a place where I can allow myself to laugh again. Allow my children to see me stronger. Happier. A better yet forever changed mom.