I’m really pregnant!
And. I. Am.Really.Freaking.Out.
I’m excited….please don’t get me wrong. But I’m scared. After losing Ethan I am terrifed. What if something goes wrong again? What if I never get to bring this baby home with me? What if I never get to hear his/her cry? Or smell that sweet baby smell?
What will I tell this baby about his/her older brother who left us over a year ago? How will I ever tell him/her about the brother they will never meet…never play with….never fight with?
I feel guilty. To be moving on…forward. No one can ever or will ever replace Ethan. So why do I feel so damn guilty right now? I’m afraid to be too happy about this new baby. I’m afraid to dream about the day he/she is born…to dream about first steps….first soccer games…first everythings. How awful is that? To be so afraid that if God sees me happy…he will take this baby away too.
So, for now? All I can do is take deep breaths…….