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Eggshells and fear October 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15am10

For two weeks now my days go a little something like this….

Get up and race to the bathroom to throw up.

Stumble back to bed where I try to find a position that will be somewhat comfortable and will somehow make the nausea stop , if even, for just a minute.

Race from bed back to the bathroom and throw up.

Take my Zofran and my Reglan.

Back to bed where I try to sleep.

Back to the bathroom to throw up yet again.

You get the general idea, right?

I cannot keep anything down. Not water. Not toast. I’ve already been to the hospital where they put two bags of IV fluids back into me.

I have done this with each pregnancy. It is awful and miserable. I feel like I lose all connection  with my sons, my family and my husband during these times.

But none of this compares to what the nurse said to me when I went to the hospital last week.

She said,” You know when you’re this sick it means that your baby is super strong and healthy, right? So this is a good thing! It means everything is okay.”

It took everything in me not to fall apart. I smiled and said,” Yeah. I used to believe that was true.”

And I did….before Ethan passed away I always believed. I believed everything would be okay. I believed and assumed I would hold my new baby. That I would bring him home. That I would see him laugh and coo. That I would watch him crawl and then walk. I never had a reason not to believe in these very simple , yet taken for granted moments.

But now? Now I just pray and hope that this little baby will come home with us. Now, I just walk and ease thru this new pregnancy as if I am walking on a floor of  eggshells. Afraid to get too excited. Afraid to pick out a name. Afraid to do anything that will jinx this new baby.

 I am, instead, choosing to believe in the small things right now. Like, the fact that I am so sick doesn’t necessarily mean everything is fine with the baby. But it does reassure me that this baby is alive and with me . And that is enough for me right now….at this moment.


2 Responses to “Eggshells and fear”

  1. Chris Says:

    Kristy–I wish I could tell you to think positively and force happy thoughtts into your head but I know I can’t. That is what I want for you, though. I know that as miserable as you are, you are too, probably, thrilled to be this way. I know I would. I am so happy you are pregnant. I know you can do this. You will make it past this part (it DOES stop at some, point, right? I hope so!) You will feel kicks and know your baby is growing. I think about y ou and wish you well. Hand in there, my friend.

  2. insertwittytitleheremomstired Says:

    You are doing well to be able to have these moments. The only thing that will make the fears go away are bringing that baby home. Until then, these moments will help to pass the time a little quicker, with maybe one less eggshell on the ground.

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