Last year my husband and I walked in the March of Babies walk in Sacramento. We walked for a friend of a friends team, who had lost their baby. We had just lost our own son and were searching for a way to heal. Searching for a place where we would not feel so alone in our journey. To try to put into words how emotional this walk was for us? There’s no way to find the words.
This year we have formed our own team in our sons’ name. Team Ethan Daniel. Yesterday I registered our team. And sent emails out to everyone on my email list. On the very first day we received our first donation towards our team’s goal and my best friend became our first ” officially registered” walker on Team Ethan Daniel.
It’s been one year and seven months since Ethan passed away. I think the hardest part for me , now, is that the time keeps going by. The world keeps moving forward. No one speaks his name anymore. No one wonders or asks if we still miss him. It is still awkward and uncomfortable running into my once-upon-a-time friends who still cannot look me in the eye. Who still do not see me as the person I was before Ethan died. I find myself so emotional these days. Maybe it’s because I am pregnant again. Maybe it’s because I am exactly 22 weeks along….the same amount of weeks I was when Ethan died. When his little heart stopped beating. When I stopped feeling him kick and move inside of me. When my world changed. When I changed. For whatever reason I am struggling. Fighting back tears all day and crying silently at night..when the kids are asleep and the husband is snoring beside me.
The March of Babies walk is coming. April 24th. And I am grateful for it. I am grateful for a reason and an excuse to say my sons’s name and not get the sad, oh-you-poor-thing looks by everyone. For the next 78 days I am allowed to miss him. I am allowed to remember his all too short life. I am allowed to be his mom.