May 20th our family was blessed with Crazy #4. July 14th was the two year mark since Ethan passed away. That the two dates coincided so close to each other has been both amazing and extremely painful.
Burping Crazy#4. I love to put him over my shoulder only to have him settle into the little dip in my neck; where I can breath in his smells and hear his breathing. 4am feedings- After he has eaten and has been burped I love to lay him on my chest and hold him. He has this cute little snore. It’s heaven. There isn’t a thing about him that I don’t love with all my heart.
Crazy#4 sleeps in his bassinet under Ethan’s shelf. At night I stare at the shelf and I wonder. Why? I don’t get it. Why did God take him? I feel guilt. Guilt that I can hold Crazy#4. Kiss him. Snuggle with him. And Ethan? His ashes are in a small cherry wood box….on a shelf. It sounds cold. Harsh. Yet…the truth. And I feel such a huge amount of guilt. Why did I get another chance when so many other moms don’t? Why ? SO many whys.
I feel like a first time mom with Crazy#4. Every cough. Every sneeze. Every noise at night has my heart skipping beats. At night I push his bassinet up against my side of the bed. I have to climb to the end of our bed to get out because his bassinet is so close to my side. But I don’t care. I don’t care because as long as his bassinet is that close to me I can sleep with my hand in his bassinet. I can reach over and grab him in an instant if anything happens. In my mind I think,” Your being ridiculous. He’s FINE.” But in my heart…I keep thinking that God is going to change his mind and take him from me. That is the painful……
So….I push past the pain. The tears. The guilt. The fear. By focusing on…