Haveuseenmysanity's Blog

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On a cloud of balloons November 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15pm11

 

Yesterday was your second birthday sweet boy! We bought balloons for you. They had a number two on them and they were so beautiful! I know you would have loved them. We all baked you a birthday cake. It was a funfetti cake with chocolate frosting. Of course we all HAD to try the batter before we baked it….had to make sure it was just right! Right as the sun began to set we all went out into the front yard to release your balloons. Silently we all said our I Love You’s and sent our balloons up to you. We all stood watching until the last balloon could no longer be seen. And then we all went in and gathered around your birthday cake. We each made a birthday wish for you…closed our eyes and blew your candles out. I would have given anything to have held you yesterday. To have kissed your chocolate covered face. I held it together pretty well. And as the evening ended Crazy #3 asked us how you got to heaven. We were quiet as we searched for the right answer for him. He was thinking too, I could tell. Then he smiled and his face lit up. This is what he said…….” I bet he flies the balloons up to the sky and then gets on an airplane!!” We all laughed. And then a few minutes later Crazy#3 asked,” How did Ethan get his bike up to heaven?” ( For Crazy#3, the WORST thing in life would be to NOT have a bike! And I thought it was precious that the worst thing in his little mind was the thought that his little brother didn’t have his bike up in heaven!!)  So as we were trying to come up with an answer to that question as well, he says,” I bet his bike went to heaven with a BUNCH of balloons!!!” We all laughed again!

I struggled yesterday. Fought back the tears and fell apart a couple of times. Ending the night thinking that Ethan had simply caught a ride up to heaven on a cloud of balloons…WITH HIS BIKE…..sure did make me smile! 

Happy 2nd Birthday baby boy! We love you!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This club November 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15am11

I became a part of a very private and elite club almost two-years ago.

There are no initiations.

There are no club fees.

No weekly meetings, per say.

No special talents one most possess to be a part of it.

There are no special songs.

No secret handshakes.

No special member qualifications.

The only thing that makes you a part of this club is that you have had a child die.

No one looks to become a part of this club.

No one even WANTS to be in it once they ARE in it.

When your in…your in. Forever.

I lost my son Ethan in  2008.

I had no idea where to turn or where to go for comfort.

All I knew was that I was…broken. So very broken. And alone.

I reached out to the world-wide web…never thinking for a second that I would find the comfort or understanding that I so desperately needed.

But….

I did.

I found so many things.

Hope.

Love.

Understanding.

Support.

Comfort.

Friendship.

It’s hard to explain these things to someone who has never been through such a loss.

Hard to explain how you can grow to love someone you only know through reading a blog.

Hard to put into words how you can connect with a persons pain and sorrow.

Hard to explain how you can become so intertwined with a family.

My husband and I came back from vacation today.

I went to check the mail…completely prepared to be greeted by the usual bills and junk mail.

Instead I was greeted with a KEY!

A key that told me that someone had sent us a package!!!!

That package held so much more than the person who sent it can even imagine.

Our son Ethan would be turning two on November 18th.

No one speaks his name anymore.

He was here….then gone.

No one will ever know the sadness that fills our hearts every holiday. Every birthday. Each milestone brings with it new pain and new struggles.

Ethan would be riding his bike outside with Crazy#3 .

He would be chasing his brothers down the hall and getting into their toys.

There is only a whisper of where he was. Where he should be.

But….

No one speaks his name anymore. And until you’ve lost a child? You cannot know the pain that brings.

I have a dear, sweet friend I met in this …club.

She sent us a box filled with love.

Filled with comfort.

Filled with understanding.

A birthday card for Ethan’s 2nd birthday.

My husband and I have never seen our sons name written on a birthday card. As we read it together the tears rolled down our cheeks. Amazing how a simple birthday card can mean so much!

We saw his name on a Christmas ornament….it would be his second Christmas this year.

We were sent a blanket…..it is wrapped around the cherry wood box that holds his ashes.

We were sent so many beautiful gifts.

The person who sent them…probably has no idea how much these gifts meant to me…to us…to our family.

This person gave us so much with this gift.

SO much love.

SO much healing.

I love this person….and  I hope she knows that!

In this club……..

no one wants to be in this club.

But I am so very grateful to be a part of it.