Haveuseenmysanity's Blog

Just another WordPress.com weblog

This club November 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15am11

I became a part of a very private and elite club almost two-years ago.

There are no initiations.

There are no club fees.

No weekly meetings, per say.

No special talents one most possess to be a part of it.

There are no special songs.

No secret handshakes.

No special member qualifications.

The only thing that makes you a part of this club is that you have had a child die.

No one looks to become a part of this club.

No one even WANTS to be in it once they ARE in it.

When your in…your in. Forever.

I lost my son Ethan in  2008.

I had no idea where to turn or where to go for comfort.

All I knew was that I was…broken. So very broken. And alone.

I reached out to the world-wide web…never thinking for a second that I would find the comfort or understanding that I so desperately needed.

But….

I did.

I found so many things.

Hope.

Love.

Understanding.

Support.

Comfort.

Friendship.

It’s hard to explain these things to someone who has never been through such a loss.

Hard to explain how you can grow to love someone you only know through reading a blog.

Hard to put into words how you can connect with a persons pain and sorrow.

Hard to explain how you can become so intertwined with a family.

My husband and I came back from vacation today.

I went to check the mail…completely prepared to be greeted by the usual bills and junk mail.

Instead I was greeted with a KEY!

A key that told me that someone had sent us a package!!!!

That package held so much more than the person who sent it can even imagine.

Our son Ethan would be turning two on November 18th.

No one speaks his name anymore.

He was here….then gone.

No one will ever know the sadness that fills our hearts every holiday. Every birthday. Each milestone brings with it new pain and new struggles.

Ethan would be riding his bike outside with Crazy#3 .

He would be chasing his brothers down the hall and getting into their toys.

There is only a whisper of where he was. Where he should be.

But….

No one speaks his name anymore. And until you’ve lost a child? You cannot know the pain that brings.

I have a dear, sweet friend I met in this …club.

She sent us a box filled with love.

Filled with comfort.

Filled with understanding.

A birthday card for Ethan’s 2nd birthday.

My husband and I have never seen our sons name written on a birthday card. As we read it together the tears rolled down our cheeks. Amazing how a simple birthday card can mean so much!

We saw his name on a Christmas ornament….it would be his second Christmas this year.

We were sent a blanket…..it is wrapped around the cherry wood box that holds his ashes.

We were sent so many beautiful gifts.

The person who sent them…probably has no idea how much these gifts meant to me…to us…to our family.

This person gave us so much with this gift.

SO much love.

SO much healing.

I love this person….and  I hope she knows that!

In this club……..

no one wants to be in this club.

But I am so very grateful to be a part of it.

 

Did I interrupt your day doctor?? September 15, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15am09

So. I am having some postpartum…issues after having Crazy#5. I know it’s supposed to be all hush hush…everything’s GREAT! I’M.JUST.FINE.  Well. I’m NOT great. NOT fine. I feel crazy some days actually. I am irritable as all hell. Seriously. My poor husband asked me if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean this morning??? OH. HELL. TO. THE. NO! You would seriously have thought he asked me to literally wipe his ass for him. I can see him walking VERY slowly when he comes anywhere near me. And how freaking sad is that? I cried a few days ago because Crazy #3 got peanut butter on  the counter RIGHT after I had cleaned it. REALLY? I’ve heard of crying over spilled milk but crying over smudged peanut butter? WTH?

I’ve waited patiently before going in to see my doctor. Crazy # 5 is going to 4 months old in a few days. I have exercised…not that it has helped me lose the weight since I have found a love for Oreo’s ( LOTS OF ‘EM) at about 10:00pm at night! AND chip’s and salsa ALL DAY. But..whatever! I’ve tried the damn exercising. I’ve tried going to my happy place crap. Tried the deep breath crap too!  I finally went in on the 30th of August to see my OB.

I am SO bad at asking for help. Always have been. Always will be. I have tried to talk to a friend and a family member but in the end? They really could give a shit. So? I have been trying to cope. To make myself better. Yeah. It’s just not working. SO I went in to see my doctor. I explained what I was feeling. To this very day I am not really sure what the hell happened.I know I went in. I THINK I told him how I was feeling. Next thing I knew  I was walking out of his office and his last response to me was something along the lines of…” Do less cleaning! Buy paperplates.” Um….WHAT.THE.FUCK.  What will killing more trees do to make me feel better? As if my whole issue is the amount of dishes I have to every day. Um yeah…GO.FUCK.YOURSELF. DOCTOR DUMBASS!

So , I have gone about my BIZNEZZZ for a couple more weeks. My husband is STILL aproaching me like I am a wasps nest that the kids just threw a huge rock at. NOT GOOD.

I made ANOTHER appointment. With a woman doctor. Thinking…she’ll totally get it!! Right? WRONG! She walks in the door and does this…”SIGGGGGHHHHHHHH….so what do you need?” Um. Okay. I am a total tomboy. I am not some girly princess. I don’t need constant maintenance and attention. I can get through anything on my own for the most part. Clearly I am interrupting her day. SO I try to bottom line it for her. ” I am having a really tough time. Can’t seem to get it together. Cry all the time. Irritable. Overhwelmed. Can’t sleep. Yada…yada..yada.”  Swear to GOD to looks at me and says,” SO???? What is the problem? Why are you here??”

Needless to say I wasted a $30 co payment today not to mention my time AND gas money!

 I went to Whole Food’s instead……got some St.John’s Wort ( to help my post partum crap) and some Fenugreek ( to help my milk supply which has suffered at the hands of my issues).

I think more importantly than a doctorate degree, every doctor should have to learn how to actually deal with REAL PEOPLE with REAL FEELINGS!!!

 

 

A long overdo goodbye August 27, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15am08

Crazy#3 and I had a deep conversation today….

Crazy#3-Mommy, where did our kitty go? Did our kitty die?

Me- Yes babe, our kitty died.

Crazy#3-Where did our kitty go mom?

Me-Our kitty went to heaven babe.

Crazy#3-Is she on a jetski?

Me-I bet she is!

Crazy#3- Does she know how to push the buttons?

Me- Oh yeah! And with her wings, I bet she goes SUPER fast on her jetski!

Crazy#3-Why did our kitty die mom?

Me- Our kitty died because she was really old and tired.

Crazy#3-Where did our kitty go?

Me- She went and fell asleep under a tree and now she’s in heaven.

Crazy#3- Did she ride her bike or walk there?

Me- I think she probably rode her bike there!

Crazy#3-That’s cool mom!

Our kitty didn’t JUST die. She disappeared on Cinco de Mayo. She was 14 years old. I bought her when she was a kitten and Crazy#1 was just a few months old. She’s been with me when I was married to my first husband. When Crazy#1 was born. When Crazy#2 was born. When I divorced. When I moved. When I met my husband . When Crazy #3 was born. When I was pregnant with Ethan. When Ethan died. When I was pregnant with Crazy#4. 14 years. Hershey ( thats her name) and I had a real love/hate relationship. Don’t ask me why or how it came to be that way. It’s just the way it was. Hershey didn’t just disappear. I think she knew she was sick. I think she was tired. We drove around and put up signs. I called animal control several times a day. Called shelters several times a day. I like to think that she just went away and fell asleep.

This little conversation with Crazy#3 really hit me. If only we could all see death like a little child does. Not as a scary thing. Not as a final moment. Children see it as a happy and joyful experience. No fear. No sadness. Just the cat chillin’ with the big man jetskiing.

 I miss Hershey. She disappeared 15 days before Crazy#4 was born. It was sad to come home and not have her greeting us at the door . To not have her here to welcome the newest Crazy. When Ethan passed away she would curl up next me no matter where I was. She knew I was hurting. She knew I was lost. And despite our love/hate relationship….she was always  a good friend. A loyal friend. She’s been there through kids…marriage…divorce….new homes…new cities….lost children….

It’s a little over do but I just want to say …I miss you Hershey! Your presence is missed!

 

Crazy weekend with….the crazies August 23, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15pm08

The hubs took off to go play up in Coos Bay for the weekend. I thought…that’s cool. Easy, chill weekend. Crazy #3 was going to be having a sleepover with grandma and grandpa. Crazy#1 was having a friend over ( this sleep over is basically a ton of junk food and endless hours of W.O.W) . And Crazy #2 was also going to his friends house for a sleepover. Sounds like a breeze!!!

Yeah! 7:30pm I call to say goodnite to Crazy#3 and he is crying and insisting that I come and get him! SO. Mommy plus Crazy #4 , Crazy#1 and friend turns into Mommy,Crazy#3, Crazy#4, Crazy #1 and friend.

It actually ended up being a great night. Crazy#3 was SO excited to be home and loved and snuggled all over me! I texted the hubs about 10:00pm and told him that..” I had a VERY handsome, younger man in bed with me”. His response…” Nice babe!!!” Guess we’ve been married long enough that he knows I’m not exactly gonna catch anyone else’s eye with four crazies . Spit up infested shirts and hair. Left over baby pooch. OH! And the sexy..lack of sleep eyes that even makeup can’t help! Good to feel loved!

That was Friday.

Saturday….was honestly a blur! I remember exploding poopy diapers. Cleaning the house like a mad woman for dinner with the mother-in-law on Sunday. Grocery shopping like three times because I am retarded and forget what I went for in the first place ( but DID manage to grab enough wine to ensure sanity during Sunday’s dinner!)

Sunday….spent cleaning like a mad woman yet again. More grocery shopping because I STILL couldn’t manage to actually take the gorcery list that I wrote with me. ( what a concept,right?) Prepped the food for dinner. By prep…this means putting chicken thighs into a ziploc bag. Throwing some kind of bbq sauce and seasoning in there and shaking the bag. GO ME! Sleepover drama resulting in me returning Crazy#2’s friend to his house at about 10:00pm. Another exploding diaper around 11:00pm. A night filled with Crazy #3’s feet, arms, elbows in my face. ( Next morning he said HE slept GREAT!!)

Dinner went off without a hitch. I think so anyway. ( Had a FEW Malibu and Pineapple….goodtimes!)

I managed to keep up with four kids and a house by myself for three days! Even though I can do it on my own I quickly realized how much I missed the hubs! he  makes me laugh and keeps me sane. At least as sane as one can be with four kids. I was like a little kid waiting for him to walk through the door on Sunday. The sweetest sound in the world was the sound of the garage door signaling daddy’s return!! 

 

 

 

 

 

The Amazing August 5, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15am08

May 20th our family was blessed with Crazy #4. July 14th was the two year mark since Ethan passed away. That the two dates coincided so close to each other has been both amazing and extremely painful.

Amazing…..

Burping Crazy#4. I love to put him over my shoulder only to have him settle into the little dip in my neck; where I can breath in his smells and hear his breathing. 4am feedings- After he has eaten and has been burped I love to lay him on my chest and hold him. He has this cute little snore. It’s heaven. There isn’t a thing about him that I don’t love with all my heart.

Painful…..

Crazy#4 sleeps in his bassinet under Ethan’s shelf. At night I stare at the shelf and I wonder. Why? I don’t get it. Why did God take him? I feel guilt. Guilt that I can hold Crazy#4. Kiss him. Snuggle with him. And Ethan? His ashes are in a small cherry wood box….on a shelf. It sounds cold. Harsh. Yet…the truth. And I feel such a huge amount of guilt. Why did I get another chance when so many other moms don’t? Why ? SO many whys.

 I feel like a first time mom with Crazy#4. Every cough. Every sneeze. Every noise at night has my heart skipping beats. At night I push his bassinet up against my side of the bed. I have to climb to the end of our bed to get out because his bassinet is so close to my side. But I don’t care. I don’t care because as long as his bassinet is that close to me I can sleep with my hand in his bassinet. I can reach over and grab him in an instant if anything happens. In my mind I think,” Your being ridiculous. He’s FINE.” But in my heart…I keep thinking that God is going to change his mind and take him from me. That is the painful……

So….I push past the pain. The tears. The guilt. The fear. By focusing on…

the AMAZING!

 

Eyes closed June 7, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15pm06

 True story.

I think…NO ….I am SURE that I changed at least three diapers with my eyes closed lastnight. Do any of you wear contacts? If you do then you know that feeling when you first wake up and your eyes are so dry that if you were to open your eyes all the way your contacts would pop right out. So rather than spend hours hunting around on the carpet for my contact I decided that working with my eyes closed would make more sense.

That is until I woke up this morning and discovered how VERY wrong things can go when done with your eyes  closed.  The dirty diapers never actually made it IN the garbage can but more behind and in front of the garbage can.  And what was up with the baby wipes on the floor? Did I even actually wipe Crazy #5’s butt or just thought I did?? Upon further investigation the baby wipes on the floor were clean and so was Crazy #5’s butt. So I guess however I did it, it worked.

And last but certainly not least….my boobs? Yeah. Not even put back into their rightful place. Nope. Left hanging out of the tank top after the zillionth feeding of a sleepless night.Woke up to a wet side of the bed and that sticky feeling that only comes with breast milk. Good times.

 On the upside, I did get a “How YOU doing?” from the husband who ( for some reason) thought the boobs hanging out of the top was the sexiest thing ever! REALLY??? SO…all in all? I guess I totally have this new baby thing down!!!

 

Grateful June 2, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — haveuseenmysanity @ 9:15pm06

Crazy #5 was due to come by C-section on June 5th. However, he had ideas of his own . I went into labor on May 20th. And at 10:06pm Crazy #5 came into our world; weighing a whopping 5lbs 13 ozs.

I was terrifed this time around. Not of the needles. Not of the doctors or the nurses in their plastic-guard masks. Not even of the painful recovery that I knew was ahead of me. I was terrifed, still, to allow myself to believe I would get to bring this little guy home. Ever since Ethan passed away….well. I lost a part of my heart. My soul. I’ve never been the same since he died. And no matter how many times people around me talked about ” when he comes home” and ” just wait until you hold him”.I just couldn’t and wouldn’t allow myself to believe it.

He DID come home though. I am so in love with him. I look at him and I feel so amazingly blessed. Life is so fragile. And until Ethan died…I took alot of things for granted. Took my husband for granted. Took my sons for granted. Took everything I had for granted. Now? I am just grateful. Grateful to have this little guy home. I have felt Ethan so much this past week and a half. Felt him as I hold his little brother. As I rock and whisper to him. I know he is here. And I am grateful to feel him here with me. Grateful. SO very grateful! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy#3 and Crazy #5

 

Crazy #2 and Crazy #5

 

Heading home from the hospital!!

 

In bed cuddling

 

Auntie had a little fun with all his hair!