Tears while shopping… April 19, 2012

Ethan would have been four this year.

You think that as the years go by , it somehow gets easier. Less painful.

But as the years go by he disappears even more.

As a mom its hard to realize that he is disappearing from everyones heart. Everyones life. As a mom you try to do everything you can to keep your child alive. You do everything in your power to make sure no one forgets the child that you felt come into the world and then leave this world. You feel selfish at times because it is SO much easier for everyone else to forget. To move on. But for us? Time stands still and we struggle to move on.

I was gocery shopping the other day.

Harmless. Going for bread and milk.

As I was walking through the store I noticed a mom with her daughter. What caught my eye was how excited the daughter was to be in the vegetable isle. She was SO excited by the bananas and the apples. As I got coser I realized that the litte girl had Downs Syndrome. She was so sweet and so happy. I fell apart! I completely started crying in the middle of the produce isle. WHO does that?

When I was six months pregnant with Ethan and the doctor told me had Downs Syndrome? I was excited! I remember thinking…” This is great! He has Downs Syndrome! “. I remember feeling relieved and grateful. I remember thinking..” Really? Thats IT? I can totally handle this!”. But when the doctor told me that he would never survive outside of my body? I guess my brain just could not comprehend it. I had worked with “special” kids when I was younger. I had worked with children with Downs Syndrome. And they were fine! They were happy and healthy. I just could not understand why the doctors were giving my son a death sentence because he had Downs Syndrome? I couldn’t comprehend any of it.

When I saw this sweet little girl in the store I fell apart.

She was the reminder of how happy I was to hear that Ethan had Down Syndrome.To me, Downs Syndrome was not a death sentence. To me? The diagnosis meant my child was fine!

She was the reminder of the love and hope I had when I found out.

And she was the reminder of what I lost. Of how I would give anything to have in my life right now.

A reminder of how bad I wish he were here.

Wish I could hold him.

Wish I could feel his hand in my hand.

Wish that I were planning his 4th birthday this year.

But , instead?

I am planting flowers around his tree.

I am dusting off his little box of ashes.

I am staring at my youngest son and wondering if Ethan would have looked like him.

I am answering questions my four year old has about “who” Ethan was.

Four years later, almost. And I am still struggling to accept my son not being here.

And no one in my life seems to realize that losing my son has forever changed me. That losing my son has changed the person I was. I can never go back to being the person I was. I can never see life the way I used to. I think there are poeple in my life who will never know the “new me”. Who will never even try to know the “new me”. There is something so empty and so permanant about losing a child. I know people want us to get over it. To move on. But when I sit at the kitchen table everynight all I see is an empty chair. And empty seat in the minivan. A birthday party invitation that will never be sent out. Birthday presents and Christmas presents that will never be bought.

And I see a little girl with Downs Syndrome at the store….

And I fall apart…..

Hoppy Easter and all that jazz!! April 29, 2011

Easter was amazing!

Really amazing!

No drama with the MIL. No uncomfortable silences as we all try to completely ignore the HUGE elephant in the room! It was seriously and honestly the most calm and peaceful holiday our family has had in almost 7 years!

We usually get up. MAD dash through a quick and less than awesome breakfast. We then spend the next hour screaming and yelling at all the Crazies to hurry up and get dressed and ready!

“Did you brush your teeth?”  NO? Seriously? I’ve only been reminding you about this very needed daily task for…15 YEARS!!!!

” NO! You CANNOT wear jeans with holes in them today! IT’S A HOLIDAY DAMN IT AND WE WILL LOOK NICE AND SMILE!”

Then we all pack into the car ….everyone angry and completely irritated.

We drive to our first obligatory stop.

See…..holidays always suck in my eyes because my family doesn’t live nearby. They live in Idaho and other far, far away lands. So every holiday, birthday,anniversary….EVERY EVERYTHING…..is spent with my in laws. Not that I hate ALL of them or even dislike ALL of them. I sincerely have alot of love for almost ALL of the hubs family. But there are a couple that…..I just have had enough of. One of which happens to be my very meddlesome, intrusive and disrespectful MIL. AWKWARD!!! Holidays are tough. We all  spend the day running to hell and back trying to make sure , GOD FORBID, we don’t miss anyone or fail to do what they want us to do on these holidays! And all the while I am so desperately missing my own family! NOT that my hubs family isn’t my family too but you know how it is? When you are with your own parents…they get you. They understand that you answering the door on Christmas day in jammies and slippers? Just the norm! They understand that when you offer them a strong drink at 9:00 am? It’s just the family norm! My family just gets me! And they even love me in spite of myself! My in laws? SOME love me in spite of myself. Others like the whole…kick you when your down method of things.

Got off subject….sorry.

The point is. This was the best holiday ever!

It was Crazy #5’s 1st Easter.

Mr. Easter Bunny got up at 6:00am and hid 60 candy filled eggs in our yard.

A dear family friend showed up with all kinds of awesome, yummy goodness. Easter baskets. Doughnuts. Apple turnovers. Just a whole huge pile of yum!

The kids went outside and hunted for eggs in the pouring rain and it was AMAZING! SO AMAZING!

We came in and had breakfast. When WE wanted to! Food WE wanted!

And then…wait for it……the hubs and I actually sat down together and watched a movie when the two wee ones napped and the older ones hung out together! We literally sat in our jammies and watched an entire movie!!!!

And then we got our lazy asses off the couch( when WE wanted to) and got dressed and went to his dad’s house for dinner.

Ok….so we didn’t do anything super amazing or exciting.

But just being together!

Being able to do what we wanted with our kids?

Being able to sit and watch our kids actually enjoy a holiday?

Not rushing to three or four different places. Trying to please everyone and in the end everyone still not being happy? Least of all….US and our children?

Got me to thinking.

Why do holidays always have to be so crazy?

Why can’t we all just speak the truth and say…NO! Running to four different places on Thanksgiving. Christmas. Easter. Mother’s Day. Father’s Day. Really and trully does not sound like something I want to do! Why when we get married is there always one side who never ever see’s their family and one side that gets to control and manipulate every single holiday and important event in our lives?

This Easter I said NO!

HELL TO THE NO!

And you know what?

It was the best holiday ever!

Calm and peace.

That is what I am striving to have in my life this year!

I am stepping on toes along the way but honestly?

I really don’t care!

I want my kids to enjoy their holidays.

I want them to look back and have happy memories.

So if that means mommy has to step up and say HELL NO?

I am completely fine with that!

So Hoppy Easter ( a little late) to you all!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

The green stuff that comes out of moms mouth.. April 22, 2011

The other day the hubs and I helped a good family friend move her furniture into storage.

We were left at the mercy of  Crazy #1 and Crazy#2 to watch Crazy #3 and Crazy#5 for the afternoon while we moved.

Before we left the hubs and I covered LITERALLY about every possible scenario. For instance….”What do you do if  Crazy#3 decides to snack on dish detergent ?” Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 both give the correct answer that they would call poison control immediately and then us so we could break a million traffic laws to get home.

We went over them not answering the door for ANYONE as we have had some really creepy telemarketers around our neighborhood lately. BTW….if you are going to come to my door and ask me to donate to your cause. If you are going to spin me some stupid sob story about growing up in the ghetto and how you desperately want to go to school. Yada, yada, yada. DO NOT come to my door reeking of weed and liquor! Seriously! I will totally buy your story if you are clean cut and not slurring your words…why? Because I am a total sucker for helping people that come to my door!

SO…the hubs and I seriously cover every emergency situation/solution. Go over every possible emergency number. And we leave.

We come back later and everything seems to have gone just perfect! By perfect , I mean the kids are all alive. The house is still standing. No one is bleeding or on fire. Hubs and I immediately realize that our kids rock and we are blessed!

….

….

….and then two days later….

The hubs comes in the kitchen and asks,” Hey? Were the boys out shooting their BB guns today?”

I say,” Uh, no. Not today. Not this week . WHY?” 

He says,” There are BB’s everywhere! There are BB’s on  Crazy#5’s walker!”

He goes in to talk to Crazy #1.

I call Crazy #2 down to grill him.

Like our whole devide and conquer thing?

Yeah! We do this because inevitably we will each get a different version of the story. Than we will bring both the offenders into the same room and perform the interrogation on them at the same time. You know. To see if their alibi’s hold up or not!

The hubs comes back and says that Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 decided that it would be a GREAT idea to shoot their guns on Sunday while they were supposed to be watching Crazy #3 and Crazy #5.

Now…our house rule has ALWAYS been the same. There are no shooting BB guns OR airsoft guns in the backyard unless there is a parent at home. Kind of common sense, wouldn’t you think?

I begin to jam them up about how irresponsible they were.

“You guys know better than to shoot your guns when we are not home!”

“You were supposed to be watching the little ones which means actually WATCHING them!”

” What were the two little ones doing while you were shooting guns? In the house by themselves? “

“What if they had gotten hurt? You wouldn’t have even heard them!!!”

I am already angry !!!!

And then….as sweet and innocently and firm as can be, Crazy #2 says….

” MOM! We didn’t LEAVE them in the house alone! We brought them outside with us!”

This is where, swear to God, green shit comes out of my mouth.

I look at Crazy #2 and say,” So, you mean to tell me that you and your brother thought it was a good idea to shoot your guns in the backyard with the two little ones out here ?”

All I get is a blank stare. As if he is finally processing the error in his words. I can almost hear the words running through his head….SHIT! SHIT! SHHHHIITTTTT!!!

Needless to say, both Crazy#1 and Crazy #2 have lost their guns indefinately. And I don’t think we will be trusting them to babysit for quite awhile.

Swear to god I’m gonna start eating dinner with the dog! February 16, 2011

There’s nothing like busting ass all day.

Running to the store.

Actually starting dinner in the afternoon.

The minute  Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 come home…it’s the great “dinner discussion”.

Makes me freakin insane.

Crazy #1 & #2-” Hi mom! What’s for dinner?”

( I had a great day! THANKS for asking! Really!)

Mom- Spaghetti.

Crazy#2- It’s not THAT spaghetti with the sausage in it …is it?

Mom- Yup! Same Spaghetti I always make.

Crazy#2- Oh.

 

( But it’s the Oh with the UGHHHHHH at the end of it!)

Crazy#1- SWEET! LOVE your spaghetti!

( Mom makes silent air pumps…Jersey Shore crew would be proud!)

Crazy #2- Can’t you make the spaghetti different?

Mom- Really dude? Do you think this is a cafeteria?

 

LONG pause…….

Crazy #2- Weellllll…..??? At school our cafeteria gives us TWO options for lunch everyday.

Mom- That’s awesome! Start having dinner there !!!

 

Sidenote…….Bree our beloved little terrier? Gave her some dry ass…kibble crap . Costs alot but smells like crap! Ate her food with not a single complaint.

Think I’m gonna start eating dinner with the dog! SHE would have been MORE than happy to eat my spaghetti!

 

Along comes a Rainbow…. February 11, 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OWEN CHASE PEARSON!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love and hugs to the  PEARSON FAMILY from the CRAWFORD FAMILY!!!

COWGIRL UP… December 4, 2010

I was reading a fellow BLM’s blog last night and it got me to thinking about “friends”. Friends, to me, are like the ocean. They come into our lives calmly at times…..and then other times they just come crashing in on the rocks of our soul…of our hearts. And when they leave our lives they leave behind miscellaneous debris and remnants. Some of the items left behind are beautiful, like a shell. Some ..not so much.

I feel each friend comes into our life at just the right time. And probably leaves at just the right time. I can count on one hand the true friends that I have. I have tons of acquaintances but very few friends. There just aren’t too many people in this world that I will let into my space. My life. It takes ALOT for me to trust and when I do…you’re forever a part of my life. Part of my soul. When you hurt me? When you betray me? I’ll give you a few more chances to bitch slap me upside the head I guess you could say. But when I am DONE? I am done! I walk away and never once look back.

Losing Ethan …well. I lost alot of people whom I thought were my friends. I also lost some very close family relationships. But I also walked away with some new, amazing friendships. I am grateful for those friendships!

Not sure what the point of this post is….other than to tell my dear friends ( you know who you are) that I love you! I cherish you! I am grateful for your willingness to stick by my side no matter what wave comes crashing in on our worlds. I hold you close to me.The rest who just weren’t strong enough ? Who couldn’t be my friend when the shit hit the fan? You’re but a wave that left slimy seaweed all along the coastline. And the next wave WILL clear that shit out! Will wash it away!

To those of you reading this who has a friend facing tough times? Don’t worry about saying the right thing. Don’t worry about making a fool of yourself. DOn’t worry about calling too much. Hell…show up with a bottle of rum and just be there. But DO something!

COWGIRL UP friends! You have no idea what a difference this will make in your friends life!

On a cloud of balloons November 19, 2010

 

Yesterday was your second birthday sweet boy! We bought balloons for you. They had a number two on them and they were so beautiful! I know you would have loved them. We all baked you a birthday cake. It was a funfetti cake with chocolate frosting. Of course we all HAD to try the batter before we baked it….had to make sure it was just right! Right as the sun began to set we all went out into the front yard to release your balloons. Silently we all said our I Love You’s and sent our balloons up to you. We all stood watching until the last balloon could no longer be seen. And then we all went in and gathered around your birthday cake. We each made a birthday wish for you…closed our eyes and blew your candles out. I would have given anything to have held you yesterday. To have kissed your chocolate covered face. I held it together pretty well. And as the evening ended Crazy #3 asked us how you got to heaven. We were quiet as we searched for the right answer for him. He was thinking too, I could tell. Then he smiled and his face lit up. This is what he said…….” I bet he flies the balloons up to the sky and then gets on an airplane!!” We all laughed. And then a few minutes later Crazy#3 asked,” How did Ethan get his bike up to heaven?” ( For Crazy#3, the WORST thing in life would be to NOT have a bike! And I thought it was precious that the worst thing in his little mind was the thought that his little brother didn’t have his bike up in heaven!!)  So as we were trying to come up with an answer to that question as well, he says,” I bet his bike went to heaven with a BUNCH of balloons!!!” We all laughed again!

I struggled yesterday. Fought back the tears and fell apart a couple of times. Ending the night thinking that Ethan had simply caught a ride up to heaven on a cloud of balloons…WITH HIS BIKE…..sure did make me smile! 

Happy 2nd Birthday baby boy! We love you!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This club November 13, 2010

I became a part of a very private and elite club almost two-years ago.

There are no initiations.

There are no club fees.

No weekly meetings, per say.

No special talents one most possess to be a part of it.

There are no special songs.

No secret handshakes.

No special member qualifications.

The only thing that makes you a part of this club is that you have had a child die.

No one looks to become a part of this club.

No one even WANTS to be in it once they ARE in it.

When your in…your in. Forever.

I lost my son Ethan in  2008.

I had no idea where to turn or where to go for comfort.

All I knew was that I was…broken. So very broken. And alone.

I reached out to the world-wide web…never thinking for a second that I would find the comfort or understanding that I so desperately needed.

But….

I did.

I found so many things.

Hope.

Love.

Understanding.

Support.

Comfort.

Friendship.

It’s hard to explain these things to someone who has never been through such a loss.

Hard to explain how you can grow to love someone you only know through reading a blog.

Hard to put into words how you can connect with a persons pain and sorrow.

Hard to explain how you can become so intertwined with a family.

My husband and I came back from vacation today.

I went to check the mail…completely prepared to be greeted by the usual bills and junk mail.

Instead I was greeted with a KEY!

A key that told me that someone had sent us a package!!!!

That package held so much more than the person who sent it can even imagine.

Our son Ethan would be turning two on November 18th.

No one speaks his name anymore.

He was here….then gone.

No one will ever know the sadness that fills our hearts every holiday. Every birthday. Each milestone brings with it new pain and new struggles.

Ethan would be riding his bike outside with Crazy#3 .

He would be chasing his brothers down the hall and getting into their toys.

There is only a whisper of where he was. Where he should be.

But….

No one speaks his name anymore. And until you’ve lost a child? You cannot know the pain that brings.

I have a dear, sweet friend I met in this …club.

She sent us a box filled with love.

Filled with comfort.

Filled with understanding.

A birthday card for Ethan’s 2nd birthday.

My husband and I have never seen our sons name written on a birthday card. As we read it together the tears rolled down our cheeks. Amazing how a simple birthday card can mean so much!

We saw his name on a Christmas ornament….it would be his second Christmas this year.

We were sent a blanket…..it is wrapped around the cherry wood box that holds his ashes.

We were sent so many beautiful gifts.

The person who sent them…probably has no idea how much these gifts meant to me…to us…to our family.

This person gave us so much with this gift.

SO much love.

SO much healing.

I love this person….and  I hope she knows that!

In this club……..

no one wants to be in this club.

But I am so very grateful to be a part of it.

Did I interrupt your day doctor?? September 15, 2010

So. I am having some postpartum…issues after having Crazy#5. I know it’s supposed to be all hush hush…everything’s GREAT! I’M.JUST.FINE.  Well. I’m NOT great. NOT fine. I feel crazy some days actually. I am irritable as all hell. Seriously. My poor husband asked me if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean this morning??? OH. HELL. TO. THE. NO! You would seriously have thought he asked me to literally wipe his ass for him. I can see him walking VERY slowly when he comes anywhere near me. And how freaking sad is that? I cried a few days ago because Crazy #3 got peanut butter on  the counter RIGHT after I had cleaned it. REALLY? I’ve heard of crying over spilled milk but crying over smudged peanut butter? WTH?

I’ve waited patiently before going in to see my doctor. Crazy # 5 is going to 4 months old in a few days. I have exercised…not that it has helped me lose the weight since I have found a love for Oreo’s ( LOTS OF ‘EM) at about 10:00pm at night! AND chip’s and salsa ALL DAY. But..whatever! I’ve tried the damn exercising. I’ve tried going to my happy place crap. Tried the deep breath crap too!  I finally went in on the 30th of August to see my OB.

I am SO bad at asking for help. Always have been. Always will be. I have tried to talk to a friend and a family member but in the end? They really could give a shit. So? I have been trying to cope. To make myself better. Yeah. It’s just not working. SO I went in to see my doctor. I explained what I was feeling. To this very day I am not really sure what the hell happened.I know I went in. I THINK I told him how I was feeling. Next thing I knew  I was walking out of his office and his last response to me was something along the lines of…” Do less cleaning! Buy paperplates.” Um….WHAT.THE.FUCK.  What will killing more trees do to make me feel better? As if my whole issue is the amount of dishes I have to every day. Um yeah…GO.FUCK.YOURSELF. DOCTOR DUMBASS!

So , I have gone about my BIZNEZZZ for a couple more weeks. My husband is STILL aproaching me like I am a wasps nest that the kids just threw a huge rock at. NOT GOOD.

I made ANOTHER appointment. With a woman doctor. Thinking…she’ll totally get it!! Right? WRONG! She walks in the door and does this…”SIGGGGGHHHHHHHH….so what do you need?” Um. Okay. I am a total tomboy. I am not some girly princess. I don’t need constant maintenance and attention. I can get through anything on my own for the most part. Clearly I am interrupting her day. SO I try to bottom line it for her. ” I am having a really tough time. Can’t seem to get it together. Cry all the time. Irritable. Overhwelmed. Can’t sleep. Yada…yada..yada.”  Swear to GOD to looks at me and says,” SO???? What is the problem? Why are you here??”

Needless to say I wasted a $30 co payment today not to mention my time AND gas money!

 I went to Whole Food’s instead……got some St.John’s Wort ( to help my post partum crap) and some Fenugreek ( to help my milk supply which has suffered at the hands of my issues).

I think more importantly than a doctorate degree, every doctor should have to learn how to actually deal with REAL PEOPLE with REAL FEELINGS!!!

 

A long overdo goodbye August 27, 2010

Crazy#3 and I had a deep conversation today….

Crazy#3-Mommy, where did our kitty go? Did our kitty die?

Me- Yes babe, our kitty died.

Crazy#3-Where did our kitty go mom?

Me-Our kitty went to heaven babe.

Crazy#3-Is she on a jetski?

Me-I bet she is!

Crazy#3- Does she know how to push the buttons?

Me- Oh yeah! And with her wings, I bet she goes SUPER fast on her jetski!

Crazy#3-Why did our kitty die mom?

Me- Our kitty died because she was really old and tired.

Crazy#3-Where did our kitty go?

Me- She went and fell asleep under a tree and now she’s in heaven.

Crazy#3- Did she ride her bike or walk there?

Me- I think she probably rode her bike there!

Crazy#3-That’s cool mom!

Our kitty didn’t JUST die. She disappeared on Cinco de Mayo. She was 14 years old. I bought her when she was a kitten and Crazy#1 was just a few months old. She’s been with me when I was married to my first husband. When Crazy#1 was born. When Crazy#2 was born. When I divorced. When I moved. When I met my husband . When Crazy #3 was born. When I was pregnant with Ethan. When Ethan died. When I was pregnant with Crazy#4. 14 years. Hershey ( thats her name) and I had a real love/hate relationship. Don’t ask me why or how it came to be that way. It’s just the way it was. Hershey didn’t just disappear. I think she knew she was sick. I think she was tired. We drove around and put up signs. I called animal control several times a day. Called shelters several times a day. I like to think that she just went away and fell asleep.

This little conversation with Crazy#3 really hit me. If only we could all see death like a little child does. Not as a scary thing. Not as a final moment. Children see it as a happy and joyful experience. No fear. No sadness. Just the cat chillin’ with the big man jetskiing.

 I miss Hershey. She disappeared 15 days before Crazy#4 was born. It was sad to come home and not have her greeting us at the door . To not have her here to welcome the newest Crazy. When Ethan passed away she would curl up next me no matter where I was. She knew I was hurting. She knew I was lost. And despite our love/hate relationship….she was always  a good friend. A loyal friend. She’s been there through kids…marriage…divorce….new homes…new cities….lost children….

It’s a little over do but I just want to say …I miss you Hershey! Your presence is missed!